I'm only complaining to keep myself busy
|
Sun, Oct. 3rd, 2004, 10:59 pm
Keep the noise low. She doesn't want to blow it Shaking head to toe while your left hand does The Show Me Around, quickens your heartbeat, it beats me straight into the ground
You don't recover from a night like this.
A victim still lying in bed completely motionless, a hand moves in the dark to a zipper. Hear a boy bracing tight against sheets barely whisper This is so messed up Upon arrival the guests had all stared. Dripping wet and clearly depressed he'd headed straight for the stairs. No longer cool but a boy in a stitch.
Unprepared for a life full of lies and failing relationships.
He keeps his hands low. He doesnt want to blow it Hes wet from head to toe and his eyes give her the up and down. His stomach turns and he thinks of throwing up. But the body on the bed beckons forward and he starts growing up.
The fever, the focus. The reasons that i had to believe you weren't too hard to sell.
Die young and save yourself.
The tickle. The taste of...
it used to be the reason i breathed but now it's choking me up.
Die young and save yourself.
She hits the lights. This doesnt seem quite fair. Despite everything he learned from his friends he doesnt feel so prepared. She's breathing quiet and smooth He is gasping for air
This is the first and last time He says.
She fakes a smile and presses her hips into his. He keeps his hands pinned down at his sides. He's holding back from telling her exactly what it really feels like.
He is the lamb. She is the slaughter.
She's moving way too fast and all he wanted was to hold her. Nothing that he tells her is really having an effect. He whispers that he loves her but she's probably only looking for...
So much more than he could ever give,
a life free of lies and a meaningful relationship.
He keeps his hands pinned down at his sides. He wants for it to end and for the aching in his guts to subside.
Up the stairs: the station where the act becomes the art of growing up. Sun, Sep. 26th, 2004, 10:32 pm
Sat, Sep. 25th, 2004, 11:00 am
Fuck with my heart
I'll teach you what it's like.
To be so used
That you'll have to clean.
That dirt stuck in
Your plastic finger nails.
And just the scent of you is enough
To make me sick
And all I know is revenge is sweet when...
You know that you are worthless
And I am better than
The games that you play princess.
I've played and always win.
I'll take my time
To slowly plot your end.
And now I will
Spit bullets with my pen.
And all I know is you're cute when you scream.
You know that you are worthless
And I am better than
The games that you play princess.
I've played and always win.
I'll take you to the top,
Of this building and just push you off.
Run down the stairs so I can see your face
As you hit the street,
the street, the street, the street.
You know that you are worthless
And I am better than
The games that you play princess.
I've played and always win.
This time I win. So here's your kiss goodbye.
hmmm. yesterday i went to school with brandon and sat out of gym with him but i really wasn't in the mood for a lot of stuff so yea. then i had another block of gym and yea. so basically i spent all morning out in the sun and it was cool. then third i had law and justice and i love it. that class is always interesting and we had to act so it was pretty funny. jason cook is so funny haha. went to chorus without carly..it was different. i went to erin's study hall. then i had english and toner and i compared shiny to nonshiny for the intellegent members of my class. then we had a feast? yea sometimes i wonder what that bald guy will do next. eric and i talked but he didn't want to suffer with me so he said he had to work at night and yea.
then my daddy picked me up after i packed and i went to pt. pt was fun just because it took like two minutes because i am so special. then we went to bill grays because yesterday was my daddy's birthday and i said choose and yea. so i came home and took a nap. then i realized it was 6 and i was supposed to be at ricky's at 6 and yea. so woosh. i went over and yea. my dad talked with his parents and that was special. then we left. i don't think i've ever been to mcq so yea. it was ridiculous. wow. i don't know how many times i heard that and other assorted things. too bad erin wasn't there because i died laughing like 5943860353 times but no one else really knew sorta thing. yea. so then i met a lot of people and yea. i don't think i could tell you anyone's name because i have bad memory problems. then i was walking around and i see gretch wave to me and i'm like omg webster people and then my eyes go byebye and woosh there was cari scoppa! and i like freaked out. so yea. she like made my night. then we went and stood and watched at the top thinger and yea. east gangsters are hardcore and it was funny because they kept making fun of all the mcq boys calling them gay and such and then they started chanting fuck mcquaid and it was comical. so east won by a lot. yea. so then ricky went to work at the thinger and i was all by myself and then i found cari and it was good because i love her and i'm so glad she was there. later on, at the bon fire i saw heather roberts and yea. that's cool. then that kid played tbs and yea. old tbs. so even better. yay. i saw sarah and walter and maybe john? and his girlfriend last night and i was like aww the lill's should be here. i'm surprised they remembered me and yea. awesome.
so yea. i guess i kinda refunkafied my shoulder yesterday twice. but my pt person didn't notice so we're gonna keep that on the dl and yea. i was sitting in gym and someone threw a ball near me and i like moved weird and yea i like flinched and then yea my shoulder like tensed up and now it kills so yea. and then brandon threw my book at me and i tried to catch it and it really hurt and yea. woosh.
i miss brandon. i guess that's really sad, but it's just weird. usually i spend a day with brandon every weekend and this weekend doesn't look like we can unless i get home soon enough and yea. i don't know. is that sad? i miss erin too. i haven't hung out with her in forever. or katie. or kay. or kristin. or anyone i guess. yea. i gotta go start my homework.
spanish = project.
ap psycho = study guide. measure my brain and psych sim.
ap stat = study like no other.
yea. the end.
sorry nick don't be mad at meeeeee.
1. What facial feature do you find the most attractive on others?: eyes
2. Would you vote for a woman candidate for president?: for the senior thing, i put christin tingley.
3. Would you marry for money?: it would have to be a decent amount.
4. Have you had braces?: yes
5. Do you pluck your eyebrows?: eyebwows are funny. what day is it? accctually i don't but my sister does. oh does my face look familiar? i got a new rank. haha. i miss the lc days.
6. Do you ever cut or hurt yourself?: who needs a suicidal mindset when you can just be clumsy like me and hurt yourself polevaulting. awesome.
7. When was the last time you had a hickey?: uhh yes?
8. Could you live without a computer?: probably not.
9. Do you use ICQ, AOL Buddy list etc..?: nope.
10. If so, how many people are on your list(s)?: i just cleared out a lot of people and somehow i got back up to 199.
11. If you could live in any past time period, which would it be?: i think i would have wanted to be like my age in the 80's or 90's because everything was cooler then,
13. Do you wear shoes in the house or take them off?: i prefer sandals and i usually take them off because of habit.
14. What is your favorite fruit?: strawberries or nectartines. millions of peaches peaches for free. millions of peaches for me. peaches come from a can they were put there by a man in a factory downtown and if i had my little way i'd eat peaches everyday.
15. Do you eat wheat bread or white?: white.
16. What is your favorite place to visit?: dunkin donuts with brandon on a night that erin works and then brandon sucks at life and can't eat. orrrr the mall because brandon and i tend to go there a lot. or even bristol just because i want to go skiing damn it.
17. What is the last movie you saw?: resident evil two. thank you brandon.
18. Do you kiss on the first date?: uhhh. depends on who.
19. Are you photogenic?: not really i suppose
20. Do you dream in color or black and white?: colour. thought i'd go french.
21. Are you wearing fingernail polish?: not on my fingernails.
22. Do you have any dimples?: yes
23. Do you remember being born?: uhhh...is that possible?
24. Why do you take surveys?: why not.
25. Do you drink alcohol?: i leave that for my irish girls.
26. Did you like or do you like high school?: this isn't high school, gangsta.
27. What is the most beautiful language?: Asia. (southern asian)
28. When you are asleep do you like being kissed awake?: ummm it only happened like once in my life and yea. well it depends on how tired you are i guess or how much you like the person jussst kidding. i guess it's kosher.
29. Do you like sunrises or sunsets the most?: i love both. i don't think i could choose.
30. Do you want to live to be 100?: no.
31. Do you think women should be expected to shave their body hair?: what kind of question is this?
32. Do you like salty food or sugary food the most?: ha. uhh. iunno.
33. Is a flat stomach important to you?: i've tried, but i got quite the tummy.
34. Do you or have you played with a ouija board?: they make me think of kim and melissa. go figure.
35. Are you loyal?: I try to be.
36. Are you tolerant of other people's beliefs?: sometimes.
37. When you watch movies at home, do you like the lights on or off?: off
38. Do you believe in magic?: in a young girl's heart?
39. Do you have nightmares frequently?: yes. well some depend on who you are to consider it a nightmare.
40. Do you like your nose?: I have a very small nose. I don't have a bridge to my nose so glasses don't work. yea. so i guess it's okay.
41. Do you like abstract art?: purdy.
42. Do you think you can draw well? I know I can't.
43. Do you listen to music daily?: yea i tend to like music i guess.
44. Do you like to watch cartoons?: occAsianlly.
45. At what age did you find out that Santa Claus wasn't real?: when i was like 5 gotta love having older siblings.
46. How many pairs of shoes do have in your closet?: they aren't in my closet but i own like 2 pair. i hate shoes.
47. Do you like to wear the same shoes everyday or do you like a variety?: sandalias
48. Do you write poetry?: nope.
49. Do you snore? wouldn't know.
50. Do you sleep more on your back, front, or sides?: on zee tummy.
51. Would you rather have a poodle or a rottweiler?: i hate dogs.
52. Do you lick stamps?: you stamp licker you.
53. Do you use an electric can opener?: well at my moms we have 2 and at my dads we have 0.
54. Have you ridden in a hot air balloon?: nope.
55. Which hurts the most, physical or emotional pain?: idk i've never actually been stabbed in the back.
56. Do you think balding men should shave their heads?: hawkinsonnnnnn. haha. he has issues.
57. Do you know anyone who is clinically depressed?: ha.
58. Do you prefer a piano or a violin?: white people to asians. hmmm.
59. Are you a sex addict?: oh def.
60. Do you know someone who has cancer?: yes.
61. Do you hunt?: en la cabeza y en el corozon.
62. Do you like fast food joints, or expensive restaurants?: sure.
63. Would you rather visit a zoo or an art museum?: I don't remember the last time I've been to either. enlighten me.
64. Do you have a middle name?: yes. kim and slash or kyeon or something like that.
65. Are you basically a happy person?: big j. haha.
66. Are you tired?: i guess it happens when you wake up at 5.
67. Did you drink anything with caffeine in it today?: sprite tends to be caffeine free
68. Have you ever met anyone off the internet?: yes.
69. How many phones do you have in your house? 2 hurr 3 thurr.
70. How long is your hair?: about yay long.
71. Do you get along with your parents?: hahaha.
72. What color of eyes do you prefer?: blue. well i like mine brown but yes i love blue eyes.
73. Are you an active person?: i guess. i'm in a few clubs.
74. What medications do you take?: i miss my happy pills. blahh.
75. What does your bedroom look like?: uhh one wall has paperplates from kaydel on it and prom pictures. another one has all my favorite pictures and yea. then i have my award wall. then i have a section next to my closet that's sorta like my know your roots section and yea. its really sloppy and yea. that's my room. awesome. Wed, Sep. 22nd, 2004, 08:45 pm
so i was going to update and then woosh lj like changed and it looks weird.
i got that WBER thing but now i can't do it.
well i need to decide...
DJ on WBER and have fun...
or
play soccer and run cross country.
see? nothing good ever happens to me...when something good happens, there's always consequence..
so i think the funniest thing that happened today was in engrish. i was chilling and ryan tells me brandons not coming and just going to meet in our spot and yea. so i tried calling him telling him i don't need a ride or if i do it would be home then back to school but then he decided to drive other people so i stayed at school. he never answered and i used toners phone. after, she put it in her bra and then in the middle of class it rang and it was comical. brandon's intellegent so he called again. it was really funny. slash i'm retarded and found it funny.
law and justice has to be the greatest class on odd days atleast.
i handed in all my nomination stuff for my heisman highschool award thinger i won last june. awesome. mrs. icone's weird. she's like so you still want to go to geneseo? i told her in like august geneseo isn't on my list anymore. go figure. i want to go to either ub, canisus or cortland.
speaking of cortland, tami and i want to go visit kristyn down in c-state...mr brown told me i shouldn't hang out with tami she's a bad influence. haha imagine if he met kristyn. yup. the end.
we won at soccer. go team. i miss it so much. blahh.
the lill's called me yesterday. that made my day.
now i gotta go study ap psycho for the rest of my life. peace outttt gangsters. Wed, Sep. 22nd, 2004, 08:35 am
The first day of fall is the last day I'll kiss the sky
The cold air surprises my bones have been spoiled by the summer's heat
The sun hides its face, and I'll hide mine too
Sooner or later this winter will rain down and leave me to wait for one year.
I'll be there, I promise.
Next year this time, I'll be there waiting.
I'll dream of the past, and wish that I was there.
I am burning the letters of days gone by
I'm so sorry, but I'm scared that my heart will regret the things that I've done
Breathe in all of the ashes of my mistakes.
Gently collapse so no one will notice that you're falling too short of your breath.
I've wasted so much more time dream than living.
I'll be there.
So cherish these days, enjoy every breath like it will be the last of your life.
Please never look back because you won't forget why you cried.
Tue, Sep. 21st, 2004, 11:11 pm
11:11
Oh baby here comes the sound...
I took a train outta New Orleans and they shot me full of ephedrine.
This is how we like to do it in the murder scene.
Can we settle up the score?
If you were here I'd never have a fear.
So go on live your life.
But I miss you more than I did yesterday.
You're beautiful
Well I'm a total wreck and almost every day.
Like the firing squad or the mess you made.
Well don't I look pretty walking down the street.
In the best damn dress I own?
If you were here I'd never have a fear.
So go on live your life.
But I miss you more than I did yesterday.
You're so far away.
So c'mon show me how.
'Cause I mean this more than words can ever say.
Some might say we are made from the sharpest things you say
We are young and we don't care.
Your dreams and your hopeless hair.
We never wanted it to be this way.
For all our lives.
Do you care at all?
If you were here I'd never have a fear.
So go on live your life.
But I miss you more than I did yesterday.
You're so far away.
So c'mon show me how.
'Cause I mean this more than words can ever say.
(Won't you tell me?)
(Well, there's no way I'm kissing that guy) it's weird how all mcr songs makes more sense to me now. i don't know why. i had like an epiphany. haha. so yea. lots have changed since i wrote last. well not really but we can pretend. wank&decaf holding the first annual beauty and the beast party...holler. i miss that movie...we watched part of it in ap psycho today though. joshua vandergrift called me. that was quite the surprise. i'm really scared about the whole dj thing. i went out with brandon and it felt good to get out of the house. i talked to ricky. you know. he doesn't even know how to spell my name. i was surprised how close he was on my last name, but he couldn't spell my first name and yea i agree with brandon when saying he's retarded. i really don't want to go to the mcq homecoming but he's all like looking forward to me going and it's like awesome. wait no. so yea. there's only two people there i'm going to know besides him and if kristin goes and they are his two friends i met at his house. ughh..he puts me on that whole guilt trip if i say i got plans. so yea. shoot me in the face. yea kill me if i start saying horrendous and ridic. i'm talking to nick and i haven't talked to him in forever and i miss him a lot and yea we never hang out and woosh. but yea. i miss you, nick. of course he is away now...eating because that's what nick does and never gains a pound. pencilllll downnn. i finished my scholarship application thing for the highschool heisman athlete award thing and whatnot. i'm proud that it's finally done. woops. i'm not a procrastinator or anything. oh well. i can't wait for spain. and nyc. mostly spain though. oh well. the other day in spanish i was all like how do you say hell and then i looked it up and remembered my first year of spanish when i learned how to say it...god i love chris coy. SLAPPPPPPPP [looks at hand] infuerno no. haha. oh how i miss mrs. morrsey hamiltons class. the memories.
Two roads...Split off from here, and my life goes running in opposite directions.
Exaggerating the barrier between who I am, and who I want to be.
I wanted to be that breath of fresh air, When everything smelled so insincere.
But this taste still lingers in my mouth, Deceit has ways of sticking around.
And I'm ready to disappear, Vacation seems far...From here.
Note to self: I miss you terribly.
This is what...We call a tragedy.
Come back to me, Come back to me, To me.
Note to self: I miss you terribly.
This is what...We call a tragedy.
Come back to me, Back to me, To me.
I can feel my mind, wandering again.
Into where I dont know, and will I ever get home?
Time starts moving, faster than I can.
And I'm sick of this scene, I need to break the routine.
I can feel my mind, wandering again.
Into where I dont know, and will I ever get home?
Time starts moving, faster than I can.
And I'm sick of this scene, I need to break the routine.
Two roads...Split off from here, and my life goes running in opposite directions.
Exaggerating the barrier between who I am, and who I want to be.
Which part of me is lost? I feel so close, and yet I am so far
yea. today was awesome. josh picked me up this morning and yea. i got to school and went to ap psych. i love that class. it goes by in like 2 minutes. we had a firedrill and it was funny. we stood in a straight line and pointed up to the sky and saw how many people would conform and look. then, we played fun games. fun for all ages. so we talked about different types of love...companionate and passionate. you had to pick a friend and like describe it and whatnot. like three categories...proximity, physical attraction, and similarity. well i decided to do brandon and allison goes omg you guys have so many similarities and blahblahblah and i was like hmm. i guess so. i never really thought about it i guess. oh yea. and zimbardo is an asshole. that's the lesson of the day. we emailed him as a class and he answered like a jerk though. so yea. go team. the idea of a justworld thinger reminded me of the tbs song best friends means you get what you deserve and yea i kept singing that and woosh. next block i had ap stat and that's gonna be hard because i suck at life and forgot we had homework to hanz and yea. fourth block i had to do some official presidential work in chorus slash yea. haha just kidding. carly and i walked out and started singing ''you raise me up'' by josh grobin and we were like in the cafeteria pretending we were cool and like being all serious and singing it horribly it was the funniest thing ever. haha. then i went to study hall with melissa nolan and stephanie seeber that was special. then i had spanish. i just don't like it this year. i don't know why. so then i raced over to RL with brandon so we might DJ and that would be pretty sweet except for the fact i have a speaking problems and such. he's picking them randomly and i have bad luck with things like that so it wouldn't surprise me if i don't get it. oh well. other people deserve it more than me anyway. then i had pt and i love pt is that weird or what? so anyway.
it isn't even one month into the school year and already i can feel things changing. it's weird. josh and i don't even talk anymore. (vandergrift.) over the summer, i couldn't go a day without talking to him and he talked about how much he cared about me and all that bs. mr. ''hey i don't want a girlfriend for senior year'' is taken over and controlled almost by his girlfriend. it's really sad. oh well. he's be back someday hopefully. another person to forget about me. kinda sad i suppose. oh well.
blahh. i don't know about anything anymore.
I miss the Lill's. I'm going crazy without them
FBLA is going to NYC this year so I do believe everyone cool should join so it looks good when we have a lot of people and how awesome is NYC. so yea. I believe everyone should join just because of that. and if you're smart, you get to go to the Catskills or something? yea. who knows. I was supposed to do that competition with Neena. : (
tune in tomorrow to find out...
- does karin get to become a dj?
- does webster beat olympia?
- yea...i really have no idea. the end.
Mon, Sep. 20th, 2004, 06:47 pm
Three sleepless nights
this isn't how itn's supposed to be
but you're so good at taking your time
to get back to me
I will wait for you forever
if you would just ask me
I thought that I could change you
but you changed me
But it doesn't feel right holding someone else's hand
Together on phone lines and living at two opposite ends
It scares me to think that you could find takers
other than me and better than me
But your head is elsewhere
And i'm talking enough for both of us
When will you see it's not so easy for me
You're careless and whispered
insulting and bruising
And I thought that you said
things were improving
These laces are untied
but my feet are still moving away
(I fall from your eyes. Your eyes I trusted. You said forever)
i never thought that you could say these words
is this really happening?
i never thought that you could say these words
is this really happening?
(don't say...)
i never thought that you could say these words
is this really happening?
(don't say that we can...)
i never thought that you could say these words
is this really happening?
(don't say that we can still be...)
i never thought that you could say these words
is this really happening?
(don't say that we can still be friends)
Erase my name from this page
How can you take all these days (What is inside me? What have I done?)
And throw them away (is this the only way that you will notice me?)
as i sit here waiting for you (Dead words for closed ears all this is sung for you)
I stay up nights (If you are still pretending this is what's right)
until stars leave the sky (whay can't you look at me can you only see)
Knowing what my dreams can take away (sides, your side, can take away)
Walk away from me this night is done |
So yea. A lot of not so cool things have been going on and yea. But today was pretty good.
I don't know. I woke up about 5 minutes before my alarm and got up and started to stretch because yea and my phone rings. It's Ricky. At like 7:47 in the morning. I'm like oh hi. Uhh...Besides that I don't really remember much. Someone needs to tell him like normal times to call people...like before 11 and after 8 something. That would be nice. Eventually Brandon came and off to school we went. Gym was retarded. My gym teacher switched so yea. That was neet. Then I went to Law and Justice. I really like that class. No, I do not think Mr. Brown is a fox like some other people I know. That just really scares me. Anyway. Went to chorus to find out I won president. Awesome. Then we learned about all these fundraisers. Not fun. After that, I went to lunch with Emily. Yay. Finally, I had English and it was sad because I miss my Economics class. Yea. The bald guy still weirds me out but whatev. My group was retarded, like normal. I get stuck with the retards. Brandon and I went to McDonald's after school because I had hunger. Tuve hombre? yea. Anyway. So he came back to my house and we watched some retarded show and it was special. Yea. I hate Brandon. And Bears. Ha. Your mom though. Ha. Anyways. So my dad picked us up and we went to Galyans and got my ski's so yea. Now I gots me some skis and woosh. After I got home, I took a nap and yea. Here I am.
Yesterday I had a picnic I went to with Brandon and it was amusing because everyone thinks I'm going out with him. Oh wait I am. How did I forget? Then I drove...which was weird because Brandon was on the wrong side because he usually drives me everywhere but I decided to drive this time. We went and picked up Kaydel. Wow. That was another fun time at Wegman's. Haha. We looked all official with a cart and such. Haha. We went back to Kay's and had so much fun cooking for the Lill's and yea. We made a lot of stuff and yea it surprised a lot of people when I told them because they think I can't cook, but we don't have to tell everyone Kay did a lot of work. Hah. Anyway. We brought everything down to the Lill's and said our goodbyes. I have to go a whole 5 days without them. I miss them so much and I talked to them this morning haha. Then last night I talked to Eric and it was good because we needed to. Then yea. And a lot of nothingness and here I am. The end.
Two days ago I went to the old neighborhood picnic with Chris Coy and Brandon and it was amusing. Patrick kept raping all the little kids. I was amused atleast. There was a band...called...Stifler's Mom...Hah. They were a bunch of old guys. Too bad I had to leave before it was over. Darn. Brandon and I went to the fire house and chilled with my dad and Josh for awhile and yea. Then we went and saw Resident Evil 2. I thought it would be okay and I guess it was. I guess the only thing that made it not so crappy was the black guy, not to be racist, but he was of the black sort. Yup. That's everything important that happened that day.
I should be doing AP stat, but I don't really feel like it. I'm hoping my mom will leave soon. Yea. All my friends are gone though, so there's no one to play with. Brandon's working. The Lill's are in Michigan. Yup so I only have 3 friends. Well actually. I'm just too lazy to tell you everyone else's schedule. Yea. So go team. Anyway.
So I'm still partaking in the not trying to hate everyone phase. It's actually working out. I don't think I really made any new friends this year though basically because it's my senior year and I've known most of these kids since ninth grade. So basically the only thing I'm not happy about is English and not Economics because now Steve refuses to talk to me. I'm sorry. Blahh. Yea. I don't really want to go to school tomorrow because there's all my hard classes and of course I don't have a ride and such. Awesome. I hate being sick and sinuses blow. Yea. Pretty much. Oh well.
I haven't seen Ricky in like a while I guess. I haven't really talked to him much lately because he was in Ohio and yea. I don't know what's going on there. I guess I was supposed to go out with him this morning but Josh and I decided to not take part in the breakfast festivities this morning. What a drag. So yea. He wants me to go to the McQ homecoming thinger. I don't really want to, but we can pretend. I can't say I really know anyone there so that should be awesome, right? Maybe I'll be mysteriously sick that day. Woops. Oh well.
okay. i'm done. el fin?
Sun, Sep. 19th, 2004, 10:31 am
I'm sorry, I heard about the bad news today
A crowd of people around you
Telling you it's okay & everything happens for a reason
When you lose a part of your self
To somebody you know
It takes a lot to let go
Every breath that you remember
Pictures fade away but memory is forever
To the Lill's, I love you all. I'm sorry about everything. If you need anything, I'm here for you.
Sat, Sep. 18th, 2004, 12:36 pm
Tuesday wakes up silent
And there aren't enough pills to sleep
And then it cuts out like miswired shortwave radio
It's over
But nothing can change to ever make it right
When you live in a nightmare
It's written all over your face.
And in a short time
You're never the same again
The distance is streamlined
Between decision and defense:
Distorient the senses
Loss of identity
No one to trust
Life runs through this trade
I am no killer
But I still hide my face
In the coming days
I wake up every morning
From the same dream
And then I kill it
But you can't change the letters when the ink dries
I woke up on the sidewalk and everything just changed
Now the lights are blinking but I can't see anything
Everything is falling apart:
Crumpled paper
Crushed tin cans
Broken bottles
Paper scraps
We all look the same
We all look the same
But I am the killer
so lets start with thursday. it was weird. all around. josh and i went out for breakfast and talked but i don't know. that's a whole different story. focus. so then i went to school. mr. brown's class always seems to amuse me just because it's really interesting. then i had chorus and that was just yea. then i had study hall with erin and all those other special kids. that was a good time. then i went to economics and we jammed it out to avril and it was pretty special so yea. go team. yea. so then i had pt i think? or something. then i ate and went to my sat class. thank god for chris pantas. he entertained me most of the time because heidi sat far away and davey was trying to pay attention. the teacher, according to pantas looked like a mix of a bear and a squirrel. to me he had more fo a santa look. he said something about asians being good at math and sciences and people looked at me. i don't get it. yea. so then i came home and did some homework because i'm extremely cool. then at like 11 ricky called because he wanted to talk before he left for ohio and whatnot. oh well. sleep is overrated anyway.
friday was awesome. wait no. first block was my screwy english class oh wait i'm no longer partaking in that. yes. i have english 5 odd now. that shall be interesting. gotta love my conselor. go mrs. icone! slash. yea. it really forking blows. she couldn't even get me away from the dumb bald guy. oh well. second was my favorite class, not because it was with chris nicodemi, but because it's actually fun. ap stat is the class i don't like, although i had a smart group for my group work, yet they were all dumb and i kept having to explain everything even though i didn't read so i really had no idea what i was talking about so it was neet. had chorus. melissa sykut now hates me. oh well. i wanted to be chorus president just because it's my senior year and it would be fun. but wait, i'm too bad of a singer...right emily? haha. so i went for section leader, too and melissa got mad. the mis-shaped girl that sits infront of me ran against me in both and if i lose to the mis-shaped girl i'll probably cry. haha. then fifth block i had spanish and it's okay. i talked to kristin kinda. that was cool. brandon came back to school and picked me up. then i had pt because i'm so cool. she offered me a job kinda and that would be really cool because if athletic training is what i want to get into as a career that would look really good on resumes and other assorted things.
i felt like shit throughout the whole game last night and it's just killing me. i feel so useless on that team. i can't do anything. when i go to practices and games i feel so pissed off that i can't do anything and yea. it's like all my goals this year were shattered. i guess there's a slim to none chance i'll be able to play senior night and yea. that was kinda like my goal and yea. shot down. i don't know anymore. i just want to be able to run again i guess. blahh. i think that's the only reason i'm looking forward to indoor besides all these amazing kids plan on running this year which is going to be sick. woo. if klehr is a jerk to me again, i'm just gonna speak my mind because it's not like i have to deal with him anymore after this year. graf talked to him last year about it and he hasn't talked to me since. haha.
yea. so brandon sucks at life. hmm. i think he got a new answering machine. in 2007 there is gonna be a hurricane karen. i think i'm gonna write the weather people to change that. yea. that would be awesome. josh and i are gonna go tornato chasing. woo.
i love erin lill so much. i seriously have no idea what i'd do without her and katie and kay and kristin and carly and yea. i have amazing friends. so yea.
so yea. there's this really awesome kid named brendan and he's awesome so yea. he's basically the only reason i'm updating right now and yea. go team. oh yea i forgot to write about how hott he is..haha. he's pretty cool because he tries to kill me on the jet ski and such and yea. or he gets cool kids to stalk me and such. or or or or yea. the end.
So close your eyes and sleep to dream.
I'm by your side.
No words to speak.
We'll set our course and make it through.
No matter how far I go my heart remains with you.
And I'm not sure what I'm looking for.
But it's clear to see the purpose of my exsistance Is laying here in front of me.
So close your eyes and sleep to dream.
I'm by your side.
No words to speak.
We'll set our course and make it through.
No matter how far I go
And if all else fails you can l o o k u p a t t h e s k y
Because it's the same one that shines above you and I.
And if all else fails you can c l o s e y o u r e y e s
And I'll be right beside you.
I'll be the one by your side.
So close your eyes and sleep to dream.
I'm by your side.
No words to speak.
We'll set our course and make it through.
No matter how far I go
No matter how much this hurts
I wanted you to know,
My heart remains with you.
so i just woke up from my hour and a half nap feeling sicker than ever. AWESOME. oh well. so yea. yesterday wasn't so bad until i did all my homework till ungodly hours of the morning. this morning was hell because i was still out of it. brandon and i went to dunk then made it to school. english was retarded pretty much because my class is. the bald guy freaks me out because he's weird. anyway. second block was ap psych. minus all the work, i actually enjoy sitting through that class. ap stat. i wanted to sleep so bad. chorus ugh. lunch oh wait i had to do my spanish project. so i basically named off random kids in my study hall to name all my credits it was a good time. anyway. then spanish and that was hell just because i felt so sick the whole time. i came home and usually when i leave school i sometimes feel somewhat better, but no that was not the case today. i then had to suffer through pt while i felt dead sick. i came home and rested. then i called ricky because i haven't talked to him in a few days. that was fun. then i slept and yea. woosh. then my dad took me out for abbotts because he knew i was pretty sick and yea. awesome. here i am. not doing any homework and probably going to bed in 10 minutes.
so yea. i don't know what else to update. nothing really fun and exciting ever really happens in my life. you knowwww. josh vandergrift and i are going out tomorrow for breakfast to talk. THAT shall be interesting because it's not my fault he's a big jerk and no one likes him right now.
kelly nicole hohman, i wish we could be friends, well better friends. you know i love you oh so much. thanks for everything and yea i wish things could be different and woosh. and yea so either way YOU'RE SO AMAZING! i miss our lc days and such. tear.
some say that time changes best friends can become strangers...i don't want that...no not for you if you just stay with me we can make it through...
They say you need to pray
if you want to go to heaven
But they don't tell you what to say
when your whole life has gone to Hell
Everyone's caught on to everything you do
Everyone's caught on to...
& I can't let you let me down again
I need someone to talk to. Someone to listen to me. It's sad though. I've lost trust in everyone. Except Erin and she's busy and worrying about other things. I don't want to be a burden on her. I had such a horrible day. No one cares. I know. But it was pretty bad. We had an assembly today and the whole time I was thinking I couldn't sit with any of my friends because there was someone who didn't like me or I didn't like them mixed in. So I sat with Carly, Josh, and Dave and made Brandon Schraeder suffer. I don't hate him so he can deal. Brandon R sat with Josh and Chris and yea. So that wouldn't have worked. A bunch of my other friends I would have gone and sat with were sitting on the other side and then I saw Brian. It was like everywhere I looked, there were people who hated me. I feel so hated. So alone. Like everyone in our school hates me or something. I don't know. Or at least it feels like it. This is just the beginning and I don't think I can take much more of this. I don't think anyone understands how much it really does hurt. Oh wait. No one would know because I can't trust anyone enough to tell them how I feel. You know, the major reasons I can't deal with stuff. The one person I thought would understand...nevermind. I'm not even going to start with that.
I can't trust people anymore after everything that's going on. Other people are gonna have to suffer and it's not their fault, it's mine. Oh well. Not like you cared then, not like you'll care now. Anyway. I thought the worst was over. I just keep falling. Things just get worse. It's out of my hands now. I don't care. Well I know I care, but there's notthing I can do anymore. I'm sick of trying. I feel like I'm talking to a total stranger because they probably would understand more. I don't know you anymore. I don't know me anymore. I don't know what I'm talking about anymore.
Hey look! I talked to one of my old best friends today. That was fun. You know the one who hated me for no reason in 8th grade and now we're friends for the fun of it. Yay for Megan Lazzaro. That whole friendship was full of shadiness though. It's okay. I knew it. Well atleast I'm on good terms with someone now. Why do I suck so bad at keeping friends for long time periods? I have Chris Coy from 5th grade and Brandon since 8th-9thish. That's it. Forever's such a bullshit word I've decided.
On top of all this, I found out that I most likely will never get to play soccer this year. Maybe not even run now. It's like this year is just getting worse and worse for me. It's like...hey there goes Karin, how can we ruin her day some more today? oh let's throw a whole bunch of bullshit at her and then add some more stress...make her feel sick to her stomach and cry a lot. Sounds like a plan!
As if it happening wasn't enough
I got to go and write a song
just to remind myself how bad it sucked...
And there's three, count 'em three
children playing on the beach
They were eager to learn,
to be taught and to teach
There's Veronica
She's biting her lip
as she watches the waves turn white at the tip
And there's Vada
Radiating with joy
and luckily she still can't stand the sight of a boy
And lastly there's Dade
His hair dances in the wind
and he's wondering what love is
And why it has to end
And he can't understand
how everyone goes on breathing when true love ends.
His mother whispers quietly...
Heaven's not a place that you go when you die
It's that moment in life when you actually feel alive
So live for the moment
And take this advice, live by every word
Love is just a hoax so forget anything that you have heard
and live for the moment now
And there's three, count 'em three
children growing on the beach
They were eager to learn,
to be taught and to teach
There's Veronica
She's licking her lips
as she waits for her real, first passionate kiss
And there's Vada
Can't admit her jealousy
of her sister Veronica, and how she's so pretty
Lastly there's Dade
Still sitting on the dock
Ponders his life, and he skips his rocks
And he wonders when his father will return
but he's not coming back
And he can't understand
how everyone goes on breathing when true love ends.
His mother whispers quietly...
Heaven's not a place that you go when you die
It's that moment in life when you actually feel alive
So live for the moment
And take this advice, live by every word
Love is just a hoax so forget everything that you have heard
And there's three, count 'em three
children missing from the beach
They were eager to learn,
to be taught and to teach
But the sad thing
is that they never lived passed the age of fifteen
due to neglect from their mother
Who was bed ridden by her ex-lover, their father
She didn't even notice, or pay much attention
as the tide came in and swept her three into the ocean
Now all her advice, it seems useless
No, Heaven's not a place that you go when you die
It's that moment in life when you actually feel alive
So live for the moment
And take this advice, live by every word
Love's completely real, so forget anything that you've heard
( and live for the moment now... )
Fri, Sep. 10th, 2004, 06:50 pm
ohhhh snapppp today is the tenth...do you know what that means? 6 months! and i'm torturing myself by not allowing myself to do anything until i get some homework done. blahh. i feel so sick again...and it's only 3 days into all of this.
josh came over this morning and yea. then i went to gym and it was fun because i have a fun class. wait no. i was just kidding. so then gwen and i left. yup. third i had law and justice. haha. big joke. don't wanna talk about it. fourth i had chorus and emily told me the best news i've heard in the past like year. then mrs. d said we can perform like dances or songs infront of the class. emily and i are def doing baby blue. hahaha. ryan, carly and i are doing something too but that's not as fun. anyway. study hall was with a bunch of fun kids...i went there instead of lunch. go figure. atleast erin was there and sarah<3333. then i went to economics and it was boring but i feel bad cause i'm mean and laughed at the blind girl. anyway. it's awesome because steve's in there and he's pretty cool.
yesterday i had my first full day of school and it wasn't really fun. brandon picked me up and we dded it. first block was hell because carly speck is really the only person i like in there. second block was all ap psych and awesome because i like allison and gwen's in there too. then i went to ap stat. a whole ton o fun. then carly and i left haha. woops. and chorus was a blast cause that's how we roll. then lunch with shayne priddy. haven't talked to him in forever. so that was good. fifth block was spanish wow. that's gonna get pretty interesting. then i went to arbys with brandon and had physical therapy. NO MORE SLING. can you say, wewt? anyway. then we went to the mall yup. did up some homework and went to bed then ricky called and went to bed again.
the first day of school josh came over and we went to dunkin donuts. then we went to 2b lunch. awesome third block was ehh..it's weird to have you coach as your teacher. fourth was fun. fifth was fun because yes josh and steve are fun people and so is the super seniors in my class. the end.
okay time to do some more homework. yea. the end. Tue, Sep. 7th, 2004, 03:20 pm
Fri, Sep. 3rd, 2004, 08:59 pm
Hand in mine, into your icy blues
And then I'd say to you we could take to the highway
With this trunk of ammunition too
I'd end my days with you in a hail of bullets
I'm trying, I'm trying
To let you know just how much you mean to me
And after all the the things we put each other through and
I would drive on to the end with you
A liquor store or two keeps the gas tank full
And I feel like there's nothing left to do
But prove myself to you and we'll keep it running
But this time, I mean it
I'll let you know just how much you mean to me
As snow falls on desert sky
Until the end of everything
I'm trying, I'm trying
To let you know how much you mean
As days fade, and nights grow
And we go cold
Until the end, until this blood
Until this, I mean this, I mean this
Until the end of...
I'm trying, I'm trying
To let you know how much you mean
As days f a d e , and nights grow
And we go cold
But this time, we'll show them
We'll show them all how much we mean
As snow falls on desert sky
Until the end of every...
All we are, all we are
Is bullets I mean this
As lead rains, will pass on through our phantoms
Forever, forever
Like scarecrows that fuel this flame we're burning
Forever, and ever
Know how much I want to show you you're the only one
Like a bed of roses there's a dozen reasons in this gun
And as we're falling down, and in this pool of blood
And as we're touching hands, and as we're falling down
And in this pool of blood, and as we're falling down
I'll see your eyes, and in this pool of blood
I'll meet your eyes, I mean this forever
summer nights are growing cold
august goodbyes are getting close
so lets leave all of the windows open tonight
leave us no choice but to cuddle close
and we'll kiss all night
wake tomorrow morning with chapped lips on our faces
I will pass on Vaseline and for all to see, I'll wear these
battle-scars burned by your taste
because I want to feel like this forever
I just want to feel the way I feel now
I just want to feel the way I feel now forever.
always remember the nights we shared
laid out on soccer fields when we stared up at the stars
trying hard to stop the hands of time, to stop the world
I would do anything not to have to say goodbye.
I promised myself that I would never let him go
without saying how I feel
and letting him know...
that I want to feel like this forever
I just want to feel the way I feel now
I just want to feel the way I feel now forever.
Breathe in for luck,
breathe in so deep,
this air is blessed,
you share with me.
This night is wild,
so calm and dull,
these hearts they race,
from self control.
Your legs are smooth,
as they graze mine,
we're doing fine,
we're doing nothing at all.
My hopes are so high,
that your kiss might kill me.
So won't you kill me,
so I die happy.
My heart is yours to fill or burst,
to break or bury,
or wear as jewelery,
which ever you prefer.
The words are hushed lets not get busted;
just lay entwined here, undiscovered.
Safe in here from all the stupid questions.
"hey did you get some?"
Man, that is so dumb.
Stay quiet, stay near, stay close they can't hear...
so we can get some.
My hopes are so high,
that your kiss might kill me.
So won't you kill me,
so I die happy.
My heart is yours to fill or burst,
to break or bury,
or wear as jewelery,
which ever you prefer.
Hands down this is the best day I can ever remember,
I'll always remember the sound of the stereo,
the dim of the soft lights,
the scent of your hair that you twirled in your fingers
and the time on the clock when we realized it's so late
and this walk that we shared together.
The streets were wet
and the gate was locked so I jumped it,
and I let you in.
And you stood at your door with your hands on my waist
and you kissed me like you meant it.
And I knew that you meant it...
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